This feels weird

I haven't posted in ages. So should I or shouldn't I? Well mute question really, cause here I am, posting. Why? Well, I've been doing some surfing with my mouse and not a surf board unfortunately, and I realised that I can't find any good blogs. All my fav's are no more, so maybe, just maybe, this blog was someone else's favourite and there hasn't been a post in ages, and it makes them as depressed as it made me not seeing any posts on my fav blogs.


Honestly dudes, I don't give a shit really. I blog for my own amusement.

According to my shrink, I should keep a diary. So I was thinking of sending her the URL to my blog. She will have a field day. My 5 minutes of fame - a write-up in Shrink's digest. So this is me keeping a diary:

Day 1:

I woke up die moer in this morning. My fat-assed-fuck-face-mother-in-law is still there. It's been 4 weeks.... so hubby says they are moving tomorrow. I really hope, for his sake, that he meant it. Otherwise the twins and I will need to evacuate until such time I deem it proper to come back. I cannot live like a pig. At this stage everything in that house is gross and sticky and dusty. Honestly, how do you expect to have no dust on your floor if you insist on opening the fucking door the entire day. See if they weren't there that wouldn't be a problem, because when I am at work the door stays closed = floor stays dust free. Also, I do not use 10 litres of cooking oil and a pound of butter everytime I cook, so by default my pots are relatively clean.
oh wait.
That was before you came.
Now I have gunk all over my pots, since you recon it's fine to just was a pot with a washing towel. Pot scourers . . . . if you insist on cooking with tons of oil. . . use a fucking scourer. Or is that too 'higher grade' for your dumb fat ass?



Speaking of work - fuck dude: nah-nah why don't you get a job?

As for fat-ass ( and I mean this so literally: see movie: What's eating Gillbert Grape to get an idea of the size of this chick), can she really not sweep and mop once a day? Oh no, not that!!! How dare I suggest that she gets off her fat ass and DO something.

Fucket-dee-fuck.

Only I would use a chain saw - will have to be one of those used by lumberjacks, that is the only saw strong enough to do it.

Oh wait - what do they use to cut up whales? Kindly advise soonest. If she is not gone by the time I get off work tomorrow - I will have to go whale hunting!

New Credit Act

Operator: "Thank you for calling Scooter's Pizza. May I have your ..."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eish ....., hold on .....eh....698-45-54610 ..."

Operator : "OK... you're .... Mr Sfiso Majola and you're calling from 17
Retief Street. Your home number is 011 403 2366, your office 011 764 2302
and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the System Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol levels, Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is R149.99!

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank R3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawals today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ...."

Customer: "What!"

Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 132 GP ....."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on the 15th July 1987? You were convicted for using abusive language to a policeman. I need not tell you what happened to you at Sun City Prison"

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ...... by the way ... aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my wife will cook ...."

Jim

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary forPeggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for somehome-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much! . I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and jus tsit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.! After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:Jim died suddenly on Feb 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha DriverII golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Me in the bath

Much Needed Hallmark Cards

Notices

I wish