PMS in a nutshell

I know it's old, but it is still brilliant!!!!!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!



…I'm sorry. What was your question?

Child abuse or justice?

This is, to the very last one, how I feel today.....

Quotable Quotes

Men are like....

1. Laxatives ..... the irritate the shit out of you

2. Bananas........the older they get the less firm they are

3. The weather...nothing can be done to change them

4. Blenders......You need one, but you're not quite sure why

5. Chocolate bars...Smooth, sweet and the head right for your hips

6. Commercials......You can't believe a word they say

7. Department stores..Their clothes are always 1/2 off

8. Government Bonds...They take AGES to mature

9. Mascara...They run at the first sign of emotion

10. Popcorn..They satisfy you, but only for a short while

11. Snowstorms...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last.

12. Lava Lamps..Fun to look at, but no very bright.

13. Parking spots...all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind every successful woman is herself.

A womand is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine a marriage and a career.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich!

I'm out of Estrogen and I have a gun.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will NOT win.

Spawn of Loki

Here's my theory: Loki was a dentist. I base my theory on what I've learnt about him from movies, but when I googled him today after my root canal I was more convinced than ever.

"Loki Laufeyjarson is the god of mischief in Norse mythology, a son of the giants Fárbauti and Laufey, and foster-brother of Odin. He is described as the "contriver of all fraud". He mixed freely with the gods for a long time, even becoming Odin's blood brother. Despite much research, "the figure of Loki remains obscure; there is no trace of a cult, and the name does not appear in place-names"[1].

Like Odin (though to a lesser extent), Loki bears many names : the Sly-One, the Sly-God, the Shape-Changer, the Trickster, the Sky Traveller, the Sky Walker, the Lie-Smith, among others."

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loki

There is no trace of a cult because all his offspring, followers and their bloodlines became dentists. Try to stay with me here...

Have you ever met a dentist who said to you: I am going to scratch in your teeth, drill the holes that you already have bigger, so that I can cement it "closed" for you. It will hurt like hell and if it doesn't, that means that you will have no feeling on one side of your face for the entire day. You will not be able to eat or drink anything without dribbling down your chin and looking like Jack Nicholson after the lobotomy in One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.

They never tell you any of these things. The politely smile and ask: how can I help you?

"Nature

The trickster god is a complex character, a master of guile and deception. Loki was not so much a figure of unmitigated badness as a kind of celestial con man. Loki is an adept shape-shifter, with the ability to change both form (examples include transmogrification to a salmon, horse, bird, flea, etc.) and sex."

I don't understand how you wake up one morning and decide: Hey, when I grow up I want to be a dentist. Hence the theory about the bloodline. Another possibility is, of course, possession.

"Loki was the father (and in one instance the mother) of many beasts, humans and monsters."

And why, oh, why does it always have to end with root canal? Fine, I have to have a toothache that keeps me awake for at least two days before I call the dentist, but why does it always turn into 4 or 5 follow-up appointments with the promise of the infamous root canal?

My dentist is a very pretty little lady, who happens to be 6 months pregnant (refer to unisex abilities of Loki). The first time I went to see her, in considerable agony, I had the kids with me. They always get a lot of attention and of course, the lady herself being on the verge of extending the Loki bloodline, was enthralled.

Try answering these questions when you have 3 tampons in your mouth: How far apart were they born? Did you have a nice pregnancy (I've never heard of a 'nice' pregnancy)? How much did they weigh? How long were they in ICU? Where did you get their names from? Notice that none of these questions can be answered by a simple nod or head shake.

Have you seen the tools they use? Most of them are metal and have sharp and or jagged edges. I wonder, do they have candid camera lenses hidden somewhere that film you while you try to answer their questions without having a drill shoved midway up your soft pallet?

I am feeling very fragile and when I think about the fact that two weeks from now I'll be in that chair again, I remember why I love blogging: you can say anything, because for the most part you are anonymous :o)

So much to say...

Words are a bitch dontcha think. Especially if you've got a million of them buzzing around in your head, wanting to get out. Normally, I would just blog, but it seems that lately the little switch that processes words from my head to my mouth (or in this case my fingers) and only allows certain thoughts through has suddenly kicked back to life in a big way.

You know the old saying: watch what you say? For the first time in my life, that is what I am doing and I hate it. I always thought that the fact that I didn't analyse anything before I said it and just put it out there, pretty much a combination between BLAB and BLAH and then deal with the repercussions later.

I used to think that this was my weakness, so I started working on it. The first couple of weeks, I mostly walked around like a zombie, I'm sure a lot of people thought I'd sustained serious brain damage or that I was high. I never gave an answer right back (you know those answers that spring from yout gut? That is the sort of answer I normally give.) I started digesting and redigesting everything before responding and then CAREFULLY selected my response. I have now figured out what it means to be pensive and let me tell you: it bites.

In the past, I pretty much let rip and would tell you at the drop of a hat what I want, when I want it and how ( get ur mind out of the gutter - I'm NOT talking sexually ). Now that I actually consider what the outcome of all my comments might be my life is BORING and since I can pretty much predict how a conversation will end, I've slaughtered most of my coversational skills. It's almost the same as reading the same book for the second time when you really did a thorough reading the first time around - it's just there to kill time, cause you already know how it will end.

What I want to know is: what is the point of 'planned communication'? Why not just say what's on your mind to the people close to you and see if that doesn't get you further? Sure it's a risk: they could hurt you and they could (GASP) not agree with what you say, but at least it'll be honest communication and not a mind game. See for me game = winner/loser and in your relationships with people, it just isn't like that. You need to be able to respect each other even if you don't agree and then agree to disagree if need be.

There is such focus on image that in striving to fulfill the 'image', we are losing ourselves in the process. My thoughts:

1. You don't always have to think intelligent thoughts. It's okay to sit and wonder about silly things like would the world be more colourful if the grass was purple? And should someone happen to ask: 'what are you thinking about?', you should feel comfortable with telling them the truth rather than classifying it as a 'silly thought' and making an quasi-intellegent one up instead!
2. You shouldn't always have to justify what you are thinking or why. Thoughts are like bugs, they skittle into your brain without you knowing where they came from or where they plan to go, or, for that matter, what their intentions are.
3. To quote a great prophet of our times; Mike Meyers (in his role as Wayne in Wayne's world) "Live in the now!"
   

Special mention: my friend that came for supper last nite: thank you for reminding me that life is too short :o)

In closing {bet u thought this'd NEVER come}

These lyrics are from a song my sister dedicated to my girls and I'd like to dedicate it to all of you out there, this is my dream for all my friends and loved ones.

I Hope You Dance (Lee Ann Womack featuring Sons Of The Desert)


I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

For all my Christian readers:

Guys, this is one of the nicest mails I've recieved in a long time. I still haven't converted, but I think some of these are a must read, my fav's in red :o)

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't let your worries get the
best of you, remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members who
are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting
on the premises

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If someone tells you that you're ugly, fuck 'em....




there's nothing you can do to change it, anyway!!

Via skyrat...

Rise of a Buffalo (Chapter 1)

This will be a work in progress, hence the Chapter inclusion.

First some background; I was blessed to be raised in a house with a lotta love. Now when I say love I don't neccessarily mean the love between humans and all. It was Gran, Mom, Andre, Jan and I. Jan didn't stay long, he became a vry unpleasant person to be around and married that nicest woman that I know (go figure).

Since Mom & Dad were divorced, there was a huge gap in my life for a father figure. Don't get me wrong - Dad and I loved each other to pieces, but I've always been more needy that most, so every second weekend didn't quite cut it for me.

Andre stepped up to the plate and became 1.) Dad 2.) Older brother and 3.) One of my best and most trusted friends.

There isn't enough space on the internet to tell you what a great guy he is, suffice to say that enthusiasm and energy is contagious. Passions worth mentioning: motorbikes, rugby (gee, you didn't see that one coming), any other sports.... 'nough said.

So in honor of my "Boeta" (which is a term of endearment for brother), I have decided to share with you how he miraculously revived this Buffalo. None of us thought he'd pull it off, but he did and it now starts, so Boeta, good on you!!!

Herewith the first picture of the 'skeleton', note the ever popular duct tape, this is before it was lovingly touched by Boeta.

The fine art of listening

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything we say to men".

"What?" said the husband.

Some positive quotes

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe are different to the things we do" - Freya Stark

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present" - Jim Rohn

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom" - Marcel Proust.

Via Kirsten

Much needed insurance

Sex-life Insurance:

Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Life Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1

If you sleep with you wife

- Legal & General

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

- Auto & General

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else's wife:

- Mutual & Federal

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

- Old Mutual

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Bushman-girl

- San-Lam

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

- Prestasie or Multiplex

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

- Liberty Life

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

- Hollard

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment

- Momentum

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

- Outsurance

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

- Budget

“Bloom where you’re planted.” ~ Mary Engelbreit

Nice enough quote, but not very practical. Let's say you're a cactus and you're planted in the middle of the amazon? You are effectively drowned by your surroundings, or a rosebush planted in a desert....

My friend from yesterday's post commented on the fact that I forwarded this quote and asked "Deep today aren't you?"

So, this post is especially for everyone who read this blog and think that I'm shallow. I am, there's no denying it. I watch reality shows on TV and blame my kids, saying that I'm only watching it because THEY want to. I read and believe and make up, silly omens. For instance, if the Blue Bulls are playing on homeground and they score first with a penalty, they will loose the game, if the opposing team scores 1st by penalty the bulls will win (for those who don't know The Bulls, check 'em out).
I have 2 smoke two cigarettes at night after I get into bed, otherwise I don't sleep. I believe that whatever you do comes back to you threefold, which is why I have a hard time breaking contact with people even if they are negative influences.

I have little quirks like not drinking sweetner in my first cup of coffee for the day, because life is artificial enough and the 1st cuppa is the one that really counts.

I believe that when my mother and grandmother go away at the same time bad things happen to me. In short, I am still a little girl, trapped in the body of a grown woman with the sexdrive to boot.

I can quite easily, loose myself in a good book or identify so completely with a song that I might mistake the writer for myself...

Mostly I am grossly misunderstood (aren't we all?), because people want to believe that I am something more than I really am. I am not intricate, I'm not complicated and, for the most part, I am not difficult. I don't want people to 'understand' me, that is is impossible, even for me, so instead of trying to 'understand' me, just love me the way I am.

This is the most complicated thing about being me and where I am in my life at the moment. I've had it with reinventing myself to be liked, I'm done with falling in with what other people expect me to be, I'm just me and for now, and the I'm hoping, from now on, that is enough for me.

So what if I go to sleep alone at night? So what if I have to take medication to keep my dragon of a sex life under control? So what if I decide that I'd rather be alone than with someone who expects more of me than I am willing to offer? So what if I decide that I prefer to be alone? So what if, in the end, that means that I will end up with an empty nest and no one to talk to when I'm 80?

The only 'what' that matters in these questions is: "what if I end up alone?" Considering where I've been and how long it's taken for me to realise that it really is okay to be alone with yourself and ENJOY the alone time, I'm thinking that maybe being alone, even if it is for longer than I normally would've liked is okay with me.

I think, other than having the two greatest kids in the world, this has been the most important accomplishment and realisation that I've ever had.

And you know what - I am 100% okay with that!!

So, for my dear friend, to whom I've decided to send the URL after a 90% 'yes' from all the testostorone infested readers - it's all good. Sexual tension is as normal as breathing and this too, eventually, shall pass. Keep your chin up and your willy under control and let's go out for dinner and a movie... or not, your call.

How to find out if the "I'll hamper your sexdrive" tablets are working.

I have this 'friend'. We used to date a lifetime ago, when I was 14. I can remember very little about how we got going back then, strangely enough, I can remember precisely how it ended. Ironically, about a year ago he was dating the reason that it ended all those years ago: my sister. Ain't life a bitch?

So, we met up again in May this year, after not seeing each other for, uh, let's just say half a lifetime, and we hit it off like you wouldn't believe. Electricity, sparks and inuendo's big enough to tile the great wall of China.

But, but is a repulsive word when it follows a paragraph like that!

There were, as always, complications. He had his and I had mine, but we resolved (ha-ha) to have them cleaned up at the end of May. Needless to say, this didn't happen - he cleaned up his while mine was still roaring and when mine was finally cleaned his was all fucked up again. Go figure.

We kept contact, did the occasional sms and mail, always with that undertone that maybe....

Now we're both able, no complications around, but (see there's that word again) he is not in a place in his life where he wants a relationship. Uh, took the wind right out of my sails, but me being a survivor - I sucked it up and now we're 'just friends'.

Yesterday my 'friend' come over for coffee. Very innocent, except that you could suffocate in the thick sexual undertone that hung around the coffee cups, cigarettes and conversation. We were saved by the bell so to speak as I had to leave at 18:00.

We were getting ready to go, when he decided he'd had enough of the undertones and we kissed. A double sided kiss, but in my defence, he was standing so close to me that I couldn't see around him and it was as though the whole world was made up of him and there was nothing else in the room. We kissed till everything was spinning.

With that one kiss the centre of gravity seemed to have shifted. I was off balance, clumsy and stumbled around like a complete idiot, a baby taking the first steps. By sheer luck, I didn't fall on my ass.

Contrary to popular belief of those that think they know me, I do not sleep with every guy at every opportunity. For me sleeping with someone is like giving away a little piece of your soul, everytime you do it, you do it in complete trust that this person will guard that piece of your soul. In my case, it hasn't worked that way yet, but I'm still semi-hopefull.

That said, he must've been shaken up just a little as well, cause he forgot his jacket there :o)

After the second phone call we arranged that bring it to work and he will pick it up from me. We work about 3 kilometer's apart. We did this, very cleverly, to avoid being alone again.

As it turned out, he didn't pick it up, I dropped it off and as the conversation struggled past the undertones that were still there, worse than ever, I told him that I updated my blog today. Urgh, I am an idiot, I was in the middle of this posting when we had coffee and this bloody conversation where I blabbed about the blog. I was just trying to make conversation...

Now I am wondering, is it the coffee that is causing this temporary insanity or is it the whole 'unfinished business' from highschool that has us caught in this dance?

Will the dance last or will it deflate when it gets pricked - all pun intened of course.

Will I be brave enough to send him the url to my blog? Will I suck it up and sleep with him just to relieve the tension? Will the pills that the doc gave me kick in and stop me?

I don't know how to answer any of these questions. One of my eldest friends, when asked to describe me in one word, used erratic. The more I live, outside the comfort zone of my previous abusive relationship, the more I agree with her.

Some friends aren't just friends, they're prophets in your life and their prophecies shape some of your decisions or motivate lack of action. I think those are the friends worth hanging on to, even if you can't agree on something as simple as religion!

Shud I send him the url or not?

Brilliant!!