How to find out if the "I'll hamper your sexdrive" tablets are working.

I have this 'friend'. We used to date a lifetime ago, when I was 14. I can remember very little about how we got going back then, strangely enough, I can remember precisely how it ended. Ironically, about a year ago he was dating the reason that it ended all those years ago: my sister. Ain't life a bitch?

So, we met up again in May this year, after not seeing each other for, uh, let's just say half a lifetime, and we hit it off like you wouldn't believe. Electricity, sparks and inuendo's big enough to tile the great wall of China.

But, but is a repulsive word when it follows a paragraph like that!

There were, as always, complications. He had his and I had mine, but we resolved (ha-ha) to have them cleaned up at the end of May. Needless to say, this didn't happen - he cleaned up his while mine was still roaring and when mine was finally cleaned his was all fucked up again. Go figure.

We kept contact, did the occasional sms and mail, always with that undertone that maybe....

Now we're both able, no complications around, but (see there's that word again) he is not in a place in his life where he wants a relationship. Uh, took the wind right out of my sails, but me being a survivor - I sucked it up and now we're 'just friends'.

Yesterday my 'friend' come over for coffee. Very innocent, except that you could suffocate in the thick sexual undertone that hung around the coffee cups, cigarettes and conversation. We were saved by the bell so to speak as I had to leave at 18:00.

We were getting ready to go, when he decided he'd had enough of the undertones and we kissed. A double sided kiss, but in my defence, he was standing so close to me that I couldn't see around him and it was as though the whole world was made up of him and there was nothing else in the room. We kissed till everything was spinning.

With that one kiss the centre of gravity seemed to have shifted. I was off balance, clumsy and stumbled around like a complete idiot, a baby taking the first steps. By sheer luck, I didn't fall on my ass.

Contrary to popular belief of those that think they know me, I do not sleep with every guy at every opportunity. For me sleeping with someone is like giving away a little piece of your soul, everytime you do it, you do it in complete trust that this person will guard that piece of your soul. In my case, it hasn't worked that way yet, but I'm still semi-hopefull.

That said, he must've been shaken up just a little as well, cause he forgot his jacket there :o)

After the second phone call we arranged that bring it to work and he will pick it up from me. We work about 3 kilometer's apart. We did this, very cleverly, to avoid being alone again.

As it turned out, he didn't pick it up, I dropped it off and as the conversation struggled past the undertones that were still there, worse than ever, I told him that I updated my blog today. Urgh, I am an idiot, I was in the middle of this posting when we had coffee and this bloody conversation where I blabbed about the blog. I was just trying to make conversation...

Now I am wondering, is it the coffee that is causing this temporary insanity or is it the whole 'unfinished business' from highschool that has us caught in this dance?

Will the dance last or will it deflate when it gets pricked - all pun intened of course.

Will I be brave enough to send him the url to my blog? Will I suck it up and sleep with him just to relieve the tension? Will the pills that the doc gave me kick in and stop me?

I don't know how to answer any of these questions. One of my eldest friends, when asked to describe me in one word, used erratic. The more I live, outside the comfort zone of my previous abusive relationship, the more I agree with her.

Some friends aren't just friends, they're prophets in your life and their prophecies shape some of your decisions or motivate lack of action. I think those are the friends worth hanging on to, even if you can't agree on something as simple as religion!

Shud I send him the url or not?