Lucky Number Slevin

Brillliant. Read more here and then get it on DVD or as in our case, in theatres.

Exposure - A serious one for a change!

A lil' bit of baby

I've always wondered what babies think.... another great mystery solved!


This is just too precious and beautiful not to post!

You are what you eat?

Some foodies are the same all over the world!

Or in this case: you are what your parents feed you. We all know that China and Japan are well-know for their 'unique' choices in meat - seems like they start them young!

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

" This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Priceless

A husbands nightmare... A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bath room door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Wisdom in a Napkin

If I didn't know better I'd think Hugh was a woman..... so insightfull!

Isn't it ironic?

Name: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers

1st movie of his that I saw: Matchpoint

Read on to find the irony of this...
One of my favourite boyfriends looked JUST like this, they could've been twins! It was a sad break-up for both of us, but I jokingly said to him that I am sure he will turn out to be a criminal, cause he's such a wise-ass.

Sad thing is, I was right. :o( He is currently serving out a sentence for dealing. If I knew which prison, I'd go see him, but I have no way of knowing. Breaks my heart to think of him behind bars, he's actually a good guy, who got sucked into the wrong crowd out of sheer desperation.

I think he's a babe, note, the only one of my perv's (so far) that's got blue eyes :o) He's yummy isn't he?!

The down side of being a wise-ass

Beautiful justice!!! They say you should never discuss your religion and politics with strangers, here's a good example of why not:

A man was driving around at 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.

The obviously soaked police man stopped him and him for license, registration, identity document, marriage certificate and any and all other related documents. Frustrated, the police man took all the documentation, read it through and had nothing to charge the man on.

The policeman had run out of question and in order to charge the man he made up a charge: "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you happen to get an accident now, who is going to tell your people?"

The man replied: "I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here."

The Police man said: "All these people inside this small car of yours? I charge you for overloading."

Perfect weather?

Lunch anyone?

Yummy

I had a great dream last night

I sure as shit didn't want to wake up! I dreamt that Robert, see pics & comments below, and I were dating. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking...

He still had his drug problem, BUT I helped him through it all and we were really happy. You know the type of dream that you have when you wake up feeling really great and all happy and then you realise it was just a dream and then want to jump off the roof of the nearest high rise?

I know why I had such a stupid dream: a friend of mine is going through a really rough time with her husband and drugs. Her pain takes my breath away and I can't help but feel helpless, there is nothing I can do to help her.

All the sad shit nothwithstanding, I woke up this morning, nuts over Rob, pretty much the same as with Jack Sparrow, once again a safe and totally unrealistic crush. In my life, being in total love like a teenager with someone that will never-ever realise it is pretty sheltered, which is just te way I like it. It is the same as having crush on one of your school teachers, perfectly harmless and loads of fun. I can dream whatever I want and fantasise about how mindblowing the relationship will be, absolute love and absolute trust and not run the risk of getting hurt. How great is that??!

Yes, indeed, he has tattoos - I only found out this morning when I was doing research and downloading some perv material. Figures though - I've always been a sucker for tattoo's. And look, he's got a body to die for, look at those trenches. Lordy, lordy, lordy.... sigh, if only...

The only person I know that can make a prison uniform look this good. Holy shit, it's finally happened - I've gone completely bonkers! But hell, he's still a babe.

He is such a gentleman! He is touching her so gently and damnit, I wish it was me. I haven't gone so far as to superimpose my head on the picture, but maybe that's not a bad idea. I can always put it in a picture frame at home and pretend. Tell all my friends that I am now dating ;o)

This is precisely what he will look like when I'm done, dishevelled and smiling from ear to ear!


Look at how sweet he is, he wears his wedding ring. So few men do that. This picture makes me wonder what is going through his mind, other than coke of course, see I do know his faults, but I'm sure I'll forgive him anything!!

What is it in him that I find so palatable? Those smouldering brown eyes, I prefer dark men, don't really do well with the blondes. His mouth (stop being perverted) he has a natural 'upcurl' on his mouth on all the pictures that were taken while he was in relationships and all those that were taken during the bad times, you can see in his eyes and in those gorgeous lips that he is in pain. So few men are able to show their emotions and he is one of them, judging by what I've read and seen.

Difference between this crush and the Jack Sparrow one is that I've seen all of his movies and in reality, he is the best actor in our generation. He takes all his roles seriously and pulls it off with grace and style. His work is completely underrated. He is a brilliant actor. Then again, I might be just a little predjudice?

Personal favourite's: Kiss, kiss, bang, bang ; Chaplin (if he wasn't the actor, I wouldn't have managed to sit through it) and of course who can forget him in Ally McBeal.

So when you have a drink tonight, toast him, he deserves it, he's come a long way!

Terrorism - Biggest Warning Sign Ever

Shortcut to intensive care

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday!", she said." Something that accelerates
from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!"
"Of course Darling" said her husband.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully
bought.


Apparently he is still in hospital...

Sad but true

Before you all start flaming me: I know they won by one point on Saturday, but it's a question of too little too late. I wish someone would explain to me what the hell is going on in SA Rugby, cause I sure as shit don't get it.

Some of you might think I'm daft cause I don't get it, but then those that think I'm daft obviously aren't true supporters and don't have a CLUE what rugby's all about. It's a passion, not a sport. True for players and supporters!

Compulsory Classes

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, August 28, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, September 4, 2006

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

And now one that I will personally present:

Class 15

Being Faithful: The art of monogamy.

Live demonstration of how your balls will be removed with a spoon when you are unfaithful. Subject to completion of all couses above. Every Sunday 8 - 3 pm
(since I watch sport on Fridays and Saturdays)

Dear Mom,

I'm going in for, what I've been told via a friend, is a mayor operation on the 13th of September and then no more driving for 6 weeks, which in my life is SWEET. No more geting up before the sun's up, no more screaming for the kids to get dressed and ready or else I'm going to be late for work etc., this lovely chore has been divided between my Mom, her husband and my little sis.

The more mornings Mom has to do, the better. Everytime the kids do something impossible or really naughty she sits back, laughs and says : "Payback is SWEET! " One would swear that lil' old me was difficult to raise....

So, Mom, as I'm always telling you: karma works both ways. You didn't hink you were gonna get away with all those laughs did ya?

Remember that I laughed at you with lunges? What did I get in return: three days with malfunctioning legs! BUT I've risen above that and can now do lunges with weights (only just...)

Mom, you're right: payback will be sweet and thanks for offering to help

:o)

Guilllable?!!

If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know and we'll send someone right over to check your pulse. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Bitter Break-ups (Is there any other kind??)

No accusations of one-sidedness cynisism: there's one for the boys too...

Classics

These are all 'old' jokes, but that doesn't make them any less brilliant and in some cases exceptionally close to reality!!

I'm assuming that these guys aren't newly weds anymore. I know a couple of wives that deserve an add like this!!


I think we can all relate. On a Friday there is a contagious laziness around all offices, maybe your body knows it needs to take it easy on Friday to survive the punishment that you intend to inflict on it the rest of the weekend?



I love this one, this dude is brilliant and I think he should mass produce these... on the other hand, maybe not, this is uniquely hillarious!


Hence the reason I can't get married - I don't have a club, a spade or a garden to bury him in.


Australia on immigration. Who'd want to live there anyway? They are all a bunch of criminals, origins of Australia is it was a land that all criminals were banned to, so all Australians that have a bloodline that stems FROM Aus, has the potential and talents required to become a convicted criminal. And they have George Gregan, if the just export him, I would gladly say nice things about their country. ( you realise this entire rant is cause they kicked the Springboks' asses in the Tri-Nations and probably will kick our asses in any other rugby match that we attempt to play..)


See, this is what I love about kids, the honesty and simple way of expressing exactly what they need and want.


Saved the best for last: Oh my God, could this be any funnier? Sick, but then again, it fits right in with the disgusting type of humor that makes me who I am. Whoever made that sign: Dude, that was brilliant!!

Why you should NEVER take your husband shopping

This is an old one, but since I am doing 'classics' today, I had to post it. I've read it over and over and it still makes me laugh every time!!

Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with
us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses
over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
   
   
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
   
   
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
   
   
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
   
   
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
   
   
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
   
   
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
   
   
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
   
   
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and proceeded to pick his nose.
   
   
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
    
    
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
    
    
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
    
    
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
    
    
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
    
    (And; last, but not least!)
    
    
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Happy Spring Day to All in the Southern Hemisphere!!!

Happy Spring day, Girls....

And boys....