Cape Town, South Africa

Cape Town From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. Founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne from Holland in 1652. Cape Town is also called "The mother city", believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words "your mother" feature regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy hollow.

Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat) at the bottom end of Africa , on a peninsula that is often thought of as Africa 's wang. By comparison, North America's wang, Florida , is longer, thicker and is less flaccid. Interestingly, Europe's 'wang' is Italy, and is in fact larger, longer and thicker than North America's, and as such has often been confused for a 'boot'. This is possibly the result of a vicious smear campaign started by insecure (and no doubt less well-endowed) American GI's who went to Italy during the 1940's in droves, presumably to eat pizza with fried eggs & bacon before Pizza Hut was available in their own country.

Cape Town became famous for the first sucessful heart transplant operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard, where a black man kindly donated his heart to a white man. And so the medical professionals decided to branch out into other trail-blazing forms of transplant. Despite many, many attempts at brain transplants these have been unsuccessful in managing to transfer an entire human brain. Only a very small fraction of brain has been successfully transferred, resulting in Afrikaans people.

Cape Town is neither as wealthy or as large as Johannesburg , so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first. Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.

It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they hav not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se poes", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"

"Robin Island", in the bay, was named after Batman 's faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned here for over 50 years, after being convicted of charges of failing to respect Prime Minister Koos van der Merwe's authority, and being black in a public place.

In 1994 , after the revolution, it became legal to be black in a public place in Cape Town, but severe inequality still persists due to the fact that the white people still have most of the money, the best land, and big shiny German cars. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "muggem" initiative.

Urban hazards include roaming lions , hyenas, crocodiles, the occasional hippopotamus in the rivers, great white sharks , agressive street vendors, tigers , three-headed giant mutant wombats and the locals. Watch out for endemic HIV , tuberculosis and leprosy.
Popular sports are homosexuality, pretentiousness, drunk driving , Pole-vaulting, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke. It is compulsory for all tourists to leave Cape Town with at least one wooden curio in the shape of a giraffe .

Industries are growing the cash crops of wine and marijuana , making mousetraps, drug abuse, watching paint dry, crime and mugging tourists (not generally considered to be a crime). Cape Town holds the record as the site of the largest car park in Cape Town.

Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amishisation " policy, and has turned it's back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeous luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.

Tourist attractions in Cape Town Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "the Emporers New clothes" and claimed it was probably an ANC plot to kill whites. The contractors again attempted to convince the new post-apartheid city council of the bridge's existence but their official response was "Eish! I em not knowing what ees theees theeeng eees!"

Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This delightfully done by means of a momument which includes important tools to road-making such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude's head.

Bergies are Cape Town's world famous mountaineers who live on table mountain and often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian greeting of "Jou maaaa se poooooes!"

Gesuipte dronk ma se vrot kak bitch poes voetsak jou naai These are the words my mother used to say to me just before I left for school each morning.

Jy's uit jou ma se gat gebore want haar poes was te besig An old Cape vernacular saying, indicating respect for the receiver's mother's tireless efforts in raising her children.